Preservation
In an effort to prevent their Italian provincial velvetine brocade sectionals
From ever showing wear or growing old,
A whole generation of teased, bouffant crowned, smoking, Dr. Spocked,
Nylon clad, plastically analized post- war wives,
Subjected us to an inhuman form of sitting torture known as,
The “plastic seat cover”.
In a straight pin fitted, custom made, seamed, perforated silver disk side vented creation
Couches, settees, sofas, chairs, and love seats would achieve immortality, it was thought.
Friction related fraying, cushion damage, and the pieces ultimate demise
Were greatly delayed, as we, the helplessly subjected suffered immeasurably.
As one sat, an unflattering “whoosh” would be heard by all,
As air trapped between one’s ass, the cover, and the cushion
Was forced out under great pressure.
Large friends and relatives were forewarned to descend into a seated position slowly,
Insuring that, “seam separation”,
A feared furniture phenomenon of the 50’s and 60’s would not occur.
After enduring that initial embarrassment, one would experience
A steady, very annoying heat build-up,
Resulting in the “derriere drench”, as rivulets of streaming sweat
Saturated “backsides”, backs of thighs,
Staining pant legs, and skirts
If you were unfortunate enough to be wearing “shorts”,
And were seated for a protracted period,
“Plastic cover pooling’, would occur at the site, requiring the hostess
To perform the cleansing ritual known as, “Paper towel site wipeage”,
A most humiliating event
As we rose, we experienced, the “saran wrap peel”
It was kinda like peeling “apricot roll” from its paper in a Jewish appetizer store
Followed by a rapid temperature drop from waist to toe
Gravity then pulled residual surface sweat straight down,
Causing the dreaded, “sock sop”,
Where both socks lose there elasticity,
Causing them to collapse limply about the ankle bones
The sheer joy experienced by being perched so regally
Atop those stylish, chic, and comfy creations,
Can never be understated!
Anthony Vigorito
C 4/28/02
